What Does It Mean To Make a Move?
I think making a move is in its most raw sense, advancing towards someone in some sort of way, with the intent of taking things further than a neutral friendship. The intent is what makes it ‘a move’ and not just ‘friendliness’; however the ‘take it further’ doesn’t have to mean taking things to relationship. Sometimes the ‘further’ is just casual flirting, physical intimacy or something else that has nothing to do with a relationship. That’s why regardless of who makes a move, the ‘why’ is always most important.
Should a Woman Make the Move?
I don’t think a woman should make the first move on a man. I’m not saying it makes her any less of a woman or any less likely to find a husband; I just think that it’s BETTER if he makes the first move. Let me explain why:
Men are wired to want to lead their women. The Bible states that the man is head of his wife (Ephesians 5:22); it doesn’t say he should be or that he may be if he does XYZ. It simply says that he IS. A man can be a good head or a bad head, but the fact remains that he is the head. Men are designed to take on that role.
The way a man goes about dealing with the fact that he’s interested in a woman, will tell the woman a lot about him and highlight some key leading qualities that he possesses, or could potentially possess later. If a woman makes the first move, she clouds her ability to see those things at that moment. Sure she can see them later, but the pursuit phase often reveals key information that is best seen in the beginning and not down the line when hearts are already engaged and so red flags a little harder to act on.
He that finds a wife finds a good thing and has obtained favor from God (Proverbs 18:22). A wife is a reflection of a man finding favor with God. It’s not to imply a husband is of no value or doesn’t reflect favor also; but a wife is specifically singled out and expressed as a blessing in the Bible. For that reason, I believe (though you may disagree) that in a relationship it’s right for the value of the woman to be specifically singled out and expressed/displayed. I’m not saying the value of the man shouldn’t be expressed and displayed also, but I think there’s something special when a woman is singled out.
It’s lovely when a couple gets engaged regardless of who proposed to who, but isn’t it just more beautiful when the man proposes to the woman? Who do companies gear most of Valentine’s Day towards? Women. Who is more at the center stage when it comes to anniversaries? Women. Though both are equally important and valued, when it comes to outward expressions of love, isn’t there more emphasis on the way that the woman is wooed?? I’m certainly not saying women shouldn’t care for their men ferociously; I’m a firm believer of equally showing up, showing out and throwing down for your man; but I’m also saying that there is just something extra amazing about when a man exalts and expresses the value of his woman, over when the woman does it for the man. When you see a man literally chasing after a woman that he wants it’s sweet. However when you see a woman chase after a man……it’s just not the same. Infact it can gets rather awkward and cringe worthy for the onlookers.
Again, it’s not to say a man or a husband is of no value and I really want to stress that. It’s just there’s a certain je nais sais quoi, about men and women doing things that they’re more wired to do with regards to anything beyond friendship.
When a woman makes the first move she just hands her expression of interest to a man and removes the need for him to make any effort to get it. She opposes the fact that that expression from her is worth a lot and gives it away for nothing. It’s almost like watching a movie 30 minutes in; doesn’t mean the movie is bad, but you miss the beauty in the start-up.
That’s really what it boils down to: what beauty do you want to see? Is the goal to get married, no matter how it’s done? No matter who proposes? Is the goal to get in a relationship no matter who pursues who? Does the process matter? That’s what it boils down to.
I think the process matters because it’s often the process that can glorify God more than the end result, We spend a lot more time on the journey than at the destination in this life and so there are a lot more gems to be had.
Doing It Because He Won’t
What if the man just isn’t doing anything though? What if he isn’t asking her out? Or he isn’t proposing? What then? Should she just wait forever? Doesn’t he just need a nudge in the right direction?
I don’t think a woman should wait her whole life for a guy. Time is precious, so there’s no need for that level of hanging around. That said though, I know it’s not easy and because sometimes endless waiting feels like the only thing that’s happening, it can seem like the smartest thing to do is just let the guy know how you feel so something can either happen or not.
The Bible says daughters of Jerusalem do not awaken love before it’s time (Song of Solomon 8:4). It also says guard you heart with all diligence, for out of it flow the rivers of life (Proverbs 4:23). Love isn’t like a switch that can just be turned off once it’s on; so, with ALL your might and strength in the Lord, guard your heart from the offset! That doesn’t mean be totally shut off and cold, it just means be wise with your heart so that if someone wants it they need to make an effort.
Don’t put yourself in situations where your heart strings can be pulled easily and your emotions stirred up quickly. That means keep a reign on the conversations you have, watch who you hang out with and what you allow a guy to do and say to you. You have every right to shut down a friendship or conversation that’s inappropriate; be it because of the other person or you. Do what you have to do to keep yourself together and remember that no man is worth you taking jabs at your reputation and peace in the name of ‘I want him to know how I feel’. If that’s what it takes for him to know how you feel, it’s not worth the trouble it’s causing you. If he wanted to know how you felt as much as you wanted him to, he’d have found a way to find out.
If you don’t care whether he wants to know or not, but just feel the need to get it off your chest, it’s as if you’re throwing your heart in the air and just hoping it’ll land on something. You don’t know what, but just anything that can hold it up for a while will do. Your heart could come crashing to the floor and break at any moment, but you’re willing to take the risk because you just need to know what could happen. If that’s your strategy you’ve got bigger problems than him not knowing how you feel. Your problem is you’re willing to sacrifice anything for the possibility of having him. A mere human. Not God. Your problem is idolatry.
I’m certainly not implying that love isn’t a risk, because it definitely is. All we know is God is sovereign and in His sovereignty we have a responsibility to make wise choices; but even then we don’t know how things will turn out. For that reason, we’re supposed to approach love with zeal, yet caution. Guarding our hearts and not awakening love before it’s time. We don’t always do it and because we’re imperfect even when we do we still mess up somewhere. I’m not pushing for perfection; I’m just advocating effort. Try to guard your heart, try not to awaken love before it’s time. Try.
When a toy breaks you can just go and get another one, brand new and even better. When a heart breaks, the broken pieces flow into multiple streams of your life; clogging, slowing and polluting. When a woman makes a move on a man, the precious stone that he is supposed to hunt for, now is just laid on the floor infront of him, waiting to see if he likes it enough to pick it up. All too often though, he will just step right over or on the stone and carry on about his business; leaving the woman broken hearted. Sometimes that doesn’t happen though and the man does pick up the stone and cherish it. Praise God!
That’s not the point though, the point is a precious stone doesn’t belong on the floor, whether it’s going to be picked up or not. It’s not a clump of mud. Whether a woman makes a throw herself at a man or not she makes herself no less valuable, because her value is fixed in God. Not making the first move on a man is about recognizing and acting on that value, which isn’t validated by, but is more clearly seen when a woman is the one who is pursued; not when she is the pursuer.
What If It’s a Choice of Staying Single, Or Making a Move Just Incase It Leads to Marriage?
I’m all for marriage and I’m all for a woman making herself accessible so that the type of man she wants, can actually see her and pursue her. That doesn’t mean she needs to make the first move though. There are ways for a woman to make herself more widely accessible without doing that, such as:
- Going out in group settings often, in order to mix with and meet new people
- Going to new places rather than the same old hang outs
- Going to a safe and familiar gatherings on her own and mixing with new people, rather than not going because her friends don’t want to come
- Being in the places or groups where the type of guys she likes hang out
- Not having a long list of requirements in a man, to a point where she can’t take anything below near perfection
- Being friendly to people in general (both genders) so that people can vouch for her charcter to someone who may be interested from a distance
I think a woman can, but she never has to make the first move to a man. In my opinion, her job is to
- Be accessible,
- Have boundaries so that not just anyone can gain access
- Remember that she’s worth the pursuit
Beyond these 3 things I really don’t think she has anything left to do and if that doesn’t work, it’s really not her fault. She can’t force it and she sure doesn’t need to throw herself at any man.